


The Talk; or, The Raven Queen Takes it Upon Herself to Tease Kravitz

by not_mom



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Goddesses gotta get their entertainment where they can, It's not explicit but the dick pic is heavily implied okay, M/M, Sexting, TAZ Balance, Taako being terrible, The Adventure Zone: Balance, The Raven Queen is just his mom, Yes stones of farspeech are just cell phones, flirting???, nsfw-ish, taakitz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 15:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16020638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_mom/pseuds/not_mom
Summary: Checking his stone of farspeech during work hours leads to an... embarrassing conversation for Kravitz





	The Talk; or, The Raven Queen Takes it Upon Herself to Tease Kravitz

Kravitz, as one of the Raven Queen’s best reapers (best of three. He’s not got a lot of competition), likes to pretend that he’s a dignified individual who takes his incredibly important job very seriously, as do those around him. After all, there’s the balance of life and death to uphold. There are necromancers and cultists and worshipers of Vekna to be reaped. There are natural deaths to oversee. However, after so many centuries, even death and profaning the laws of nature becomes somewhat mundane, and even your relationship with your goddess, the source of your power and reason for your existence, becomes somewhat casual. 

Casual enough, for example, that he doesn’t think anything of it when he goes to check his stone of farspeech mid-briefing about a low-level necromancer who’s using the souls of animals (rabbits, mostly) to unnaturally extend the lifespan of his subjects beyond their natural time. It’s a bit like recharging their souls temporarily, and highly illegal, and also a bit cruel (those poor rabbits), yes, but the vibration pattern in his pocket was Taako’s. He glances down, expecting a message about dinner plans, but is instead rewarded with. Well. That’s Taako alright, lifting his shirt to expose his bare chest, grinning as if he’s pleased with himself. And is he… is he not wearing pants? The image cuts off so he can’t tell. What he can tell, though, is that his cheeks are flushing as much as they can and there’s a sudden tightness to the front of his pants he’s grateful his robe covers. 

“MY SON, YOU ARE DISTRACTED.” The Raven Queen, of course, notices that he’s not listening to her truly fascinating outline of how the necromantic rituals likely work. Her voice is the sound of a flock of birds taking flight, tinged with amusement. Kravitz manages to tear his eyes away, to look up at her, and sees that the nebulous darkness of her form beneath the impossibly large raven skull is flickering in a way that he has come to know means she isn’t mad. He starts to stutter out a reply, still flustered, and she chuckles, the sound a chorus of baying hounds. “AH, YES, I REMEMBER BEING YOUNG. PLEASE, WAIT UNTIL AFTER YOU HAVE COMPLETED THIS BOUNTY TO RETURN TO THE MATERIAL PLANE AND JUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND.” In her voice is the scream of every dying man, of every woman pushing new life into the world. It is terrible and awe-inspiring and indulgent, as if he’s a particularly silly teenager. 

If Kravitz could die of embarrassment, he would. Cheeks definitely too red for her not to see, he stuffs the stone back into his pocket, willing himself to breathe and calm down. This bounty isn’t- shouldn’t be hard, and after he’s done, he can go home. And have a… long talk with Taako about what is and isn’t appropriate to send him while at work. “I’m sorry, my queen. I- really, I could die again of embarassment." 

She shakes her head, skull tilting sideways in a way that makes him think of a young woman laughing at a suitor who’s making a fool of himself. "YOU CANNOT DIE AGAIN. UNLESS YOU REFER TO, AS IT IS SOMETIMES CALLED, THE LITTLE DEATH?” She sounds like church bells and decay and cold winter nights, and Kravitz wishes he could sink into the floor.   
“No! Mm- I’m sorry, this won’t happen again.” He swallows, throat dry, and looks past his goddess to the room past her. It’s an infinite expanse of swirling black clouds and dark marble pillars, and he knows every inch of it. Is this what being teased by your mother is like? Are you supposed to want to reap yourself just to get away from it? 

“I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE IN YOU. ENJOY YOUR NIGHT IN ONCE YOU FINISH THIS BOUNTY.” Even though her voice is the sound of rust slowly eating away at metal and the rush of air into a forge, the Raven Queen manages to sound almost tender. “YOU HAVE GROWN UP SO FAST, MY SON. PLEASE, REMEMBER TO MAKE SAFE CHOICES." 

And then she’s gone in a trick of the shadows, folded into them and swept away, and Kravitz summons his scythe just so he can lean on it for support. Taako is getting- well, a lot of things tonight. Not least of all a piece of his mind. As he turns to go, he finds himself face-to-face with a Barry who is visibly trying to control his laughter. 

"You get the talk too?” His smile isn’t unkind, more like he’s trying to share a private joke, but Kravitz can only groan at the man. If Barry heard, then Lup heard, which means- 

His stone vibrates again, in Taako’s pattern, and he murmurs an excuse to Barry as he grabs it to see what his boyfriend wants. ‘Heard bird momma gave you the talk- don’t let her see this one.’ And then, a moment later, there’s another picture. One that includes… just a bit more of Taako. Luckily, Barry has the decency not to laugh aloud at the face Kravitz knows he’s making, instead continuing into the infinite hallway after clapping him on the shoulder.  
Taako is going to get it as soon as he’s home, gods.


End file.
